"Parents, put down your phones."

Do you see it all the time, too: children trying to engage with their parents, only to be ignored in favor of a screen?  

From the KQED Perspective series, here's a very well-put-together commentary on the topic by Pam Miller, a psychotherapist & early literacy adviser.

Hang Up and Talk
Pam Miller sees it all the time -- parents more interested in their phones than talking to their children.

By Pam Miller

I bet we all can agree: parenting is hard work. It's a huge responsibility. It's tiring, never-ending and sometimes unrewarding. Yet, as a therapist and mother, I've never met a parent who didn't want to be good at it.

Still, as I ride the bus, I notice how many parents are not talking to their kids, especially their little kids, the two-to-five year olds, kids old enough to talk. The parents I see are almost always staring at or talking on their cell phones.

Their children try valiantly to engage them in conversation.  The kids look out the window or at their fellow passengers. They're curious, watchful and stimulated. They want to share their experiences, to connect, to feel attached. Yet, too often, these precious opportunities are lost.

Recently, on Muni I heard, "Mommy, look at that house out there."  "Daddy, I'm thirsty."  "Mommy, why is that person in a wheelchair?"  Kids trying to talk things over with their parents. Yet, in each instance the parents were too absorbed in their phones to respond. Some even seemed annoyed.

The kids' reactions? Either they asked again and again, and were reprimanded, or they withdrew in silence, believing they'd done something wrong. Their little faces registered rejection, resignation, and they tugged at my heartstrings.  They were just doing what comes naturally -- trying to share their experiences with a grownup.

Yes, parenting is hard, but parents are the ones who have the most influence on their children's futures. Research is overwhelmingly clear: kids who are spoken to and who hear lots of words, hopefully positive ones, do much better in school than kids who don't. And that means they usually do better in life, too.

What can we do? We can remind adults who care for children to talk to them or to bring a book along to read to them.

We can encourage Muni and BART to put up public service signs, reminding parents to talk to their children on their ride.

Parents, put down your phones. Give your kids a very special gift this season, the gift of conversation.

With a Perspective, this is Pam Miller.

Pam Miller is a San Francisco psychotherapist and an advisor to an early literacy non-profit group.

Listen to the audio at KQED.org

A culture of distraction

Spending a lot of time in, with, and in front of family audiences, I have noticed the emergence over the years of a new family member--one who gets more attention not just than the event at hand, but gets more attention than the children.  I am talking about the cell phone.  Whereas I used to observe children and parents having experiences together, with the adults supporting various activities by watching along, pointing out things, and creating a shared experience with the child, now it seems more & more that adults are entertaining themselves on their electronic devices, leaving the kids "virtually unattended."

Observing these instances regularly, of course I was interested in the interview presented yesterday (Thursday, October 18, 2012) on NPR's "Fresh Air."  Terry Gross interviewed Sherry Turkle, described as "a clinical psychologist and the founder of MIT's Initiative on Technology and Self. Her research investigates how devices are changing the way parents relate to their children, how friends interact, and why many people — both young and old — keep their devices in-hand all the time — even as they sleep."  Turkle's latest book, just out in paperback, is entitled, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other.

From the beginning of the interview, where Sherry Turkle talks about how electronic devices are shoehorning their way into what used to be family time:

"...my field work has shown... that... from the minute children met this technology, it was the competition...on playgrounds... parents are texting and on cell phones as their kids play on the jungle gyms & the swings, and parents text during breakfast & dinner as their children beg them for attention, parents text at games when the kids are on the playing field, often missing the big score, parents are on the phone in cars, & the kids are left to text in the back seat...instead of having those precious moments...  to talk to your kids on the way to school..."

Have you had similar observations?  If you are concerned, what do you think can be done--and if you are not concerned--why not?